[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*looks at you in batman voice*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*