“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I need this for my side hustle.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*