♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If snakes were wide
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
For the ones in the back.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
what could possibly go wrong?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”