MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself