#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Netflix: We have Less
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.