My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.