“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*