her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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felt cute might bury dad later idk
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar