*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.