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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”