astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
#SuperBowl
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Our lord and savoury.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?