Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.