Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
this FaceApp is creepy af
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party