I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked