Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Good morning
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room