Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.