What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Put a ring on it
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores