What do we want?

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

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[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?


I’ve got 99 problems…

98 problems.
97 problems.
96 problems.

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.


Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.


Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.


I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.


Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.


“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!


“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :