[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”
When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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I’ve got 99 problems…
BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
M: So we can eat.
M: To stay alive.
M: I have no idea.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”
Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :