What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
This made me smile…
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.