You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats