My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.