Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I know
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.