Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
when nothing goes right… go left
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.