Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Have kids, they said
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one