you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.