My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.