Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers