I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
You Might Also Like
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂