Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.