“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker