I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
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Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.