“What?”
– Jude
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
6. me as a lawyer
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.