me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?