Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”