11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
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A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
me refusing to leave twitter
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Need WebMD
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
drew a comic about my origin story
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.