Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying