As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Why I divorced her.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones