1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
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in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.