ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.