I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice