wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*