BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
We all have our pet causes.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???