Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
You Might Also Like
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Life hack
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.