Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
can you read it!!??
maan!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
New tinder profile pic
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]