Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.