(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
You Might Also Like
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.