Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
You Might Also Like
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Remember folks 😂
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*