Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
They’re called werewolves.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet