In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
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It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.