I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
The Weeknd is back
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.