If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T